The gift of another year

My husband gave me this beautiful journal, a year ago today, on my 50th birthday.

When I read the first several pages that were filled with his words, my jaw almost dropped to the floor when I came to the part about his plan to fly me out to Esalen in Big Sur; to attend a workshop, bathe in the hot tubs, eat amazing food, be one with nature, and to reconnect with myself. 

As I read deeper into the journal, becoming more and more touched by my husband’s words, I found a card that he inserted in the journal.

Me and my brother, Pripo, at  Esalen, 2010

It was from my brother (who I adore), explaining that he will be joining me (my husband was to stay home to take care of our daughter) on this amazing adventure.  My heart opened even wider to all the love I was receiving.  What a perfect gift my husband and brother had planned for me as I began to journey into my 50s.

I was exploding with love and anticipation.  I had been to Easlen years ago, when my brother lived there, so I know of the magic and possibilities that grow from the experience of being there.  My excitement elevated and took flight as I continued to read the details. 

View from our workshop

When I found out it was a writing workshop, I was surprised to feel butterflies in my stomach, resistance in my throat, and uncertainty in my head.

It’s my dream to write … to be a writer.  I have so much to write about.

But, the truth is, it scares me.  It’s not so much about exposing my feelings, emotions, dreams, lists, or even my past. For me, the vulnerability, self-doubt and judgment, lack of courage, and apprehension, come not so much from the words on the page, but more so, from what’s in between the words.  

You see, I have an uncertain relationship with commas and semicolons and all those other little dents, dings and slashes on the page.  They can send me into a panic, stiffening and paralyzing my fingers, and tangling my thoughts like spaghetti being twirled up onto a fork.

It’s been a year since my adventure at Easlen (which was amazing). The experience gave me confidence, confirmed my dreams, and  opened up possibilities for me. Since then, I’ve started my blog for friends, family and even for people whom I may never meet, to read. I’ve woven words into my art, and started to write the book that has been floating around in my head for several years.  

It’s my birthday again, today.   Another year of my life will be revealed. 

My big wish for this year is to…

…  rewrite my story by simply releasing outdated and self-limiting patterns and beliefs that no longer serve me.

…  shift my negative beliefs into positive ones; swim out of the shallow, mucky, waters, navigate past the waves of fear and self-doubt, and go deep into the clear sparkles of my authentic self.

…  excavate myself out from being stuck in the observer and judgment mode, take action, and morph into the role of an active participant.

And then, just then, I can unleash myself from whatever inhibits me and soar towards my greatness, towards my light, towards my brilliance. 

My wish is to be as brave as I can be, so that I can soar higher than I’ve ever soared before.